Day 223: Sisters

It is almost time for bed during a week of very little sleep, so I don't know that I will have time to do this subject justice, but I think the best part of being in my late 30s is the change in relationship with my sister, Lauren.

As little children we were inseparable, but grew apart as tweens and teens. We argued about everything and fought ferociously. We eventually got to a point where we went our separate ways, too much resentment and misunderstandings on both sides. Healing those wounds was really hard. We kinda had a serious talk last year. I had some hurt feelings and initiated some contact to clear the air. She had her own perceptions of our issues. We talked, cried, laughed and were able to bury some of the wounds we'd both been carrying around for years.

In a family headed by someone who always wanted to go deeper, analyze everything, he ended up with a family who is reluctant to ever openly discuss anything. Frank conversations are risky, open up wounds, and cause rifts sometimes. Pretending nothing is wrong may leave hurt feelings, but relationships don't end.  If you confront issues, in our family, people sometimes leave (another blog another day).

For over an hour, my sister and I talked, not like competitors or like we were trying to play the impress your family game, but finally, like friends, friends who accept each other for who they are, acknowledge imperfections and love you anyway. It took us a long time to get here, but I am really glad we did.

When she went through pregnancy issues and finally was blessed with the twins, I had a really hard time because I had just had my hysterectomy and knew I was never going to have a child. I was happy for her, but loving those babies the way I did was really hard. I was really ready to be a mom and had to watch from the sidelines. But the twins brought us closer, I made more of an effort to be in her life. And she needed me to help out with two little ones. After that all my teenage dreams of how wonderful it would be to have twins went out the window! Phew, raising one alone is hard, but TWO even with hubby and family visits was crazy town.

Then just when she learned she did not conceive using the last of their frozen embryos from the in-vitro cycle that gave them the twins, I found out I was going to be a mother after all. This time she was grieving when I was joyous. I wonder why it happened like that for either of us, but it did. It allowed us empathy I think, and we now share motherhood's disappointments, joys, frustrations, and are able to talk about our lives without feeling like we're playing the one up game. We can commiserate over the education system and economy, listen to each other and respect the places from which our opinions come.

She and I are very similar on the surface. Underneath, we operate similarly but based on pretty different priorities and sensibilities. I am not her, but God in His infinite wisdom, didn't give me her life. He gave her the tools, strengths and abilities to be a nurse, administrator, wife and mother to her twins, who are very darling and need her as their mother. He gave me my life and the tools, strengths, patience and ability to live it and to mother my precious Lil Bit the way she needs me to mother her and tolerate the military life. Then he gave us each other to lean on when our respective lives get too heavy to carry alone.

I have some friends who are so true, we can go months without talking and pick up the phone like no time has passed, who I would gladly live next to in the retirement village, but the relationship that is growing with my sister, Lauren, is on a level that I never thought we could have. She and I came from the same wonderful, crazy, dysfunctional and great family and can share the experiences from our childhood, and we can work together to deal with the issues of taking care of mom and dealing with some estranged relationships that are still painful for each of us.

I feel very blessed that I am lucky enough to be able to finally call my sister my friend. I hope the next forty years allow us to become old biddies in purple sequined hats together. If I am going to go crazy, it would be nice to share it with someone who knows how truly crazy I started in the first place.