Day 217: Marriage and Marathons

I was leaving a comment on a military spouse website for this poor girl who was just being mistreated by her husband who seemingly married her while on R&R for the BAH, BAS, separation pay, dependent pay, etc. But he was not sending her any of it and openly having a relationship with another woman. I was trying to give her the best, most solid and succinct advice I could and I equated marriage to a team marathon.

I have never run a marathon, although would like to someday. I have run a half-marathon, officially twice and unofficially a few more training times and once I went 15 miles. So I at least kind of understand the commitment and metaphor of which I speak.

When I taught women in history, we discussed women's roles and rights throughout history. One subject that obviously came up often was marriage. Historically, marriage was about choosing a partner with whom to survive life. Men chose women who would bear children, cook, clean, sew, heal, etc. Wives were so crucial during various time periods that men would often remarry within months of a spouse's death because they literally could not survive alone. Women (when they had a choice) chose men who worked hard and would be good providers of homes and food. If you happened to like each other, that was nice. Many couples grew to respect and love each other, but a marriage was a business transaction, a way of saying, "This life is too hard to go it alone; howabout we tackle 'er together."

That viewpoint of marriage changed with the invention of movies, primarily. Love of course had always been in existence, but the idea of a romantic love, a soulmate was developed and perpetuated in fiction, poetry, novels, and eventually movies. Now, it seems we think our lives are some kind of quest to find our one true love and get married. Not a lot of movies deal with what happens after the wedding. Marriage is viewed as a finish line rather than a partnership.

Getting someone to the altar can be pretty tough, but it is nothing compared to living with them, day in, day out (or in my case not always physically sharing space which has its own trials) and dealing with each other's foibles, faults, strange neurotic needs that come from DNA or how you were raised. And getting along and staying married is tough. You don't just cut and run and people shouldn't just walk into it thinking it is all about getting to the church.

In fact, this morning I heard a girl on the radio today talking about how she has planned her perfect wedding, set a date, picked a menu, selected flowers, even planned a ice sculpture of her dog to place near the bar. The wedding is set for six weeks from now, the only catch is she doesn't have a fiance, or even a boyfriend. Her whole mindset was the wedding is the big deal. She was a bit cuckoo. But she seems like the embodiment of this ridiculous perception of marriage I see in our society.

I wanted my wedding to be very special. I cared about the details and flowers, but as much as I wanted it to be nice, it was more important it show how happy we were to be starting a life together. Our table decorations were a picture of a bride and groom walking hand in hand into the sunset and each one said, "A wedding is just a day, but a marriage is a lifetime of . . . " and each table's sign said something different: Laughter, Trust, Respect, Forgiveness, Kindness, Love, Friendship, Passion, Romance.

We don't always get it right. We argue. I like things neat and orderly, alphabetized and labeled. He likes things easy, breezy. I can pack a bag and be out the door in ten minutes, but worry the entire time. He will wander the house for an hour contemplating where he last saw his favorite Oakleys, while I am doing my best not to nag him about keeping them in a specific place so he can find them easier. I will start planning a month in advance and he will make plans for tomorrow. But together we balance. He calms me down and helps me relax. I help him be more organized and efficient.

We will probably fight a lot over duck hunting and finances and buying cheap beer versus microbrews. But at the end of the day, we are a team working together to survive the race intact. In the short term, some of these silly daily things seem important, but when we're 80, are we really going to remember who forgot the dog's leash, or the diaper bag or left the garage door open? Only if we make that more important than treating each other with respect and understanding that I can't succeed if he doesn't and vice versa.

Marriage is long term, forever if you both do it right, and a marathon doesn't get finished by starting the race. It gets finished by gutting it out over the hills, enjoying the smooth downturns, encouraging each other, keeping each other in the race.

When I decided to run my half-marathon, I did so after having run a 5k twice in one day. I ran and liked it so I decided to do more of it. But I spent the next four months training. Each day was part of my training regimen, even if it was a rest day. When I got to the finish line of the race, I knew I had accomplished something spectacular because I worked really hard for it. I don't know how people can think a marriage will be any different.